2 Years ago...

Two years ago today, I took an emergency flight home, away from someone that I loved on the other side of the country, to see my mother before she died. I was about 1/2 hour late. I did get to see her body though. It wasn't pretty. I don't think I'll ever forget how tortured she looked. She had been tortured her whole life by mental illness and cancer, and she tortured everyone around her by being an out of control bitch. No wonder that she died that way. What else did she know. It wasn't her fault. She was ill. Didn't make it any less damaging to those around here. Especially her children... my brother and I.

Two years later, my dad (stepdad actually) is living back in New York. He wanted to move there after my mom died. Not sure why. I guess to be closer to my brother (half brother actually... his father is the dad I'm talking about now) and his family. Guess he forgot how horrible my brother is. He remembers now. He sees my brother and his family maybe once a week. If they call him. And they only live about six blocks away. My brother acts like my mom. He hates everyone... especially himself.

Yesterday, (step)dad told me that my brother called him and asked him to come to dinner tonight in honor of my mother's passing. He said, "No". "What the hell are we going to remember the good times? There were none. There was screaming and horror every day with your mother."

Wow. It took him a while to get there. I got there years ago and dealt with it the best I could. The best anyone could. Therapy, Zoloft, meditation, church. What ever it took. Whatever it still takes. Now he feels he wasted his life on an out of control woman who never loved him. I can't argue with him. That's exactly what happened. I was there.

So I told him that he should go to my brother's. That we all lived through the same nightmare. That we all were trapped by the insane outrage of a mentally ill woman. I told him he should go and be with them and feel whatever pain he was feeling. At least he wouldn't be feeling it alone.

Too bad it took him until he was 78 years old to realize that his life was a horrible nightmare, thanks to my mother. Too bad he still doesn't realize that he had two kids who suffered more than he did at the hands, mouth and mind of the same woman. Maybe when he is 100 he will deal with that. Actually, I hope he never realizes that. How could anyone live with the guilt of not protecting your children? Of watching them be harmed.

Back to today. By 5:30pm and my brother still hadn't called my (step)dad to tell him to come over because dinner was ready. I told him to call and he said, "No. I don't care". I tried to convince him that he did, but it was a losing battle. I didn't bother to call my brother. He's not gonna change. It's amazing how an insane woman can still make people suffer even years after her death.

As for me, It's 200am (the morning after my mom's death) and I can't sleep. Not sure why. What did I do today? I saw my therapist today (second time this week). Begged my ex to get back together... again. Didn't go to my Buddhist Meditation Class because it was $9.00 and I only had $1:00. Really. Went to the gym and wrote this blog. And I'm the "survivor" of the family. I'm the one who's dealt with the issues.

I know... a total bummer of a post. And I didn't even put a nude photo of myself (cause there may be someone, somewhere who hasn't actually seen a nude photo of me). I'll get back to the "making of a porn star" in my next post. Promise it won't be depressing.

The making of a porn star! Umm... Sorry, I mean gay erotic video personality.

I haven't done a "real" update to this blog in a while. Still shy about sharing any personal details of my life, give the negative circumstances that resulted when I did it before. At the very least, just getting nasty, mean comments is probably enough to keep most people from blogging about anything that means something to them. But, I'm gonna try again. I think. We'll see how it goes.

So the porn thing. Ya... Ummm... it just kinda happened. Working my ass of at the gym trying to stay sane gave me a pretty good body. I'm proud of that and I take it for what it is... hours of hard work at the gym and good genetics (I mean I'm 44 freakin' years old!). I'd been approached by photographers many times to get some photos done and always shot them down. I did a little bit modeling back in New York City when I was in my early 20's and HATED it. Seemed most of the guys had really bad, primadonna attitudes and the photographers were freaks. I was young and straight out of Brooklyn. EVERYTHING seemed extreme to me.

After thinking, I said to myself, "What the fuck". I mean, I'm not getting any younger and I would like to capture what I look like now for when I do get old. So I set up a shoot with a photographer visiting from out of town. It was at a local gay guest house. Figured, if it went bad, at least no one would know. The shoot went OK and I didn't get too nervous, even being nude outside. The photographer was nice and made me feel pretty comfortable. I walked away from that feeling OK and took some time to process it. A couple of weeks later I got a print of a photo in the mail from the shoot and I was glad I did it. (The photo above is the photo from that shoot.)

A local photographer, who's work I REALLY LIKE, contacted me and asked me to shoot with him. I didn't hesitate this time. We spent about 4 hours shooting at a construction site, the beach, under a pier... cool locations. It was fun, he was sweet as hell, and I was thrilled with the results. Beautiful photos! I credit the photographer for that. He is amazing.

I did a couple of more shoots, some with clothes, and some nude, and even got paid. Hey! I could make some money out of this! Hmmm... Gotta remember that I'm 44 years old and only 5"8". Obviously, I didn't have aspirations of being the next supermodel.

About the same time, I'd been contacted by a couple of photographers asking if I was interested in doing porn. I thought about it and didn't think it was something I wanted to try. It sounded WAY out of my league and I really didn't know what was involved. It scared me.

One of the photographers invited me to a "Porn Star Pool Party" in Ft. Lauderdale. He seemed like a nice guy and I took him up on the invite. There was really only one Porn Star there and the rest were all local guys, some of who I knew. Everyone kept asking me if I was a porn star. It was funny. We ate BBQ, drank and had a nice time talking. The photographer pulled me aside and talked to me about doing porn and how I would be awesome at it. He really used the "hard sell" approach, wanting me to sign a contract right there. I told him I would think about it but I needed more info. I requested that we meet for dinner or something and talk about it in detail. Unfortunately, he didn't follow through. He just wanted me to jump in right away, whether I was comfortable or not.

About a week later I got contacted by another photographer, who's work I really liked. He wanted to shoot me in his studio and I took him up on it. Turns out his studio is also where they film tons of porn here in Ft. Lauderdale. He was so nice and everyone I met was really nice as well. We did some cool photos with clothes and without, and soft and hard (weiner that is). The shoot seemed to go really well and he seemed pleased. His partner came in and it turns out that he was the guy in charge of the porn part of the business. We sat and talked for a while and he talked to me about the porn business in a really comfortable way. I was interested. I really needed the money and it sounded like it could be fun. He said he would show my photos around and see who was interested. Cool!

The next day I got a call from him, asking me to come back in to his office and see the proofs from the shoot. They were really good. Funny, when I see photos of myself, it's like looking at a different person. Is that really me? I usually giggle nervously. While I was looking through the images he told me he had shown them around and that Chi Chi Larue had loved them and wanted to use me in a BIG film she was doing in LA in a couple of weeks. Huh? (Insert Scooby Doo impression here).

Wow... that was amazing! And SCARY as HELL! I told him I was interested but really apprehensive and nervous about it. What if I messed up? What if I couldn't "rise" to the occasion. What if...

He said, "When Chi Chi calls you, especially for your first film, you go." It was an amazing opportunity. I told him let's go for it.

To be continued...

OOPS, I DID IT AGAIN!

Folsom Fair 2007 Photos

I finally posted some photos I took at the Folsom Fair last month on Flickr. Not sure how to link to them though so this might not work. Here goes anyway...


http://www.flickr.com/photos/9361070@N02/sets/72157602851897302/

Homoboy returns!

Last night I recycled my "Homoboy" superhero halloween costume that I made about 15 years ago and it actually fit better now than it did then. This time around I took it to the next level by making my hair purple with florescent pink highlights and doing the same to my eyebrows. Homoboy indeed! I think this is the first halloween that I wasn't actually almost naked. The weather was great thanks to the tropical storm that is passing through. Breezy and spooky... perfect for halloween. I went to the big street fair they had in Wilton Manors and had a blast! Fun costumes, drinks, sushi, and friends. What else could you ask for?

I'll give an update on my trip to New York tp see my family and go to Alegria as soon as I get some free time. All I'll say for now is that it was not a great trip.

Alegria, a dead rat, and performance anxiety

I'm heading to New York in a few hours. Gonna spend a few days with my Mom's husband in Staten Island and see my brother and his wife. Ugh. I haven't seen them for an entire year.

On the bright side, I bought a ticket to Alegria on Saturday night! Looking forward to a big, hot, sweaty party with New York boys. Although, I know quite a few guys from Fort Lauderdale that are going to be there as well.

While I'm there I'm supposed to have a photo shoot with a photographer who's work I like. He did a series of photos called "Rough Gods" that is HOT! Hope I can look that good in my photos. I still haven't called to set up a day and time so I better do that... NOW!

I had a photo shoot last night for a book cover. It's a book of twisted and dark gay short stories. Fun shoot! I just had to sit there in white boxer shorts on this big leather couch staring seductively into another boxer short wearing guy's eyes. It helped that I have the major hots for the guy in real life. We hooked up once and keep trying to get together for a real date. At least we got to grope each other during breaks in the shoot.

It's kind of unsettling that I am leaving a dead rat rotting in my attic. Seriously, the freakin thing ate rat poisoning and died up there a few days ago. I've been getting home too late to crawl up there and remove the decaying thing. My house STINKS!!!! I have had to go to bed with a scented candle burning for the last couple of days. Dead rat and clove scent is at least a little better than straight dead rat smell.

Oh... and I got an email last night from a photographer from Playgirl Magazine that I did a test shoot with in February. He said that they will be in Florida in December and would like to film me for their TV network. It's basically a fancy, smancy jerk-off scene and a day of photos. The money is pretty good and it will be on TV, so I sent back a, "Yes".

I've already got butterfies in my stomach. It's different doing a solo, JO scene than an actual sex scene with a partner, or two, or more. You're mind starts to wander to the cameras and the lights and the people milling around. When your with partners there are obvious other things to focus on. The kiss of death is when you start to get nervous and wonder if you are going to be able to cum or not. Once you get in that mode it's hard to recover.

I remember my first JO scene... a NIGHTMARE! I had to take a couple of breaks and it took forever. At one point they were going to throw in the towel. I asked for one more little break and then they came back and I got the job done. Funny how a stupid camera can be a total mindfuck to something I can easily do six times a day!

Cheap & slutty... Yup!

Driving to work this morning in my truck, I run my hand through my freshly shaved head and find a big wad of gum stuck behind my ear.

Huh?

How the fuck did that...

Oh. Ya. I forgot about that.

Saturday night. I stopped chewing and stuck it behind my ear so I could engage in a different type of ummm... oral activity. This way I could retrieve it and resume chewing later. Hey, Funds are tight right now and every little bit helps.

And you know what? 2 days later that gum was still fresh and tasty. I'm chewing it right now!

Been a while since I've blogged but any of my old readers can tell that I'm still as classy as ever!

Like a cat in heat.

A photo from the film "Link: The Evolution" (All Worlds VIdeo/Chi Chi Larue). Friends have labeled this my "Cat Woman" photo. Nice.

Guess it was time for an Evolution.

What else can possibly happen?

I can't wait to find out. :-)